Strap Ons for ED: Are They An Option?

Neither Viagra nor a vacuum erection device worked for me. I am loath to inject drugs into my penis or have a surgically implanted penile prosthesis, the remaining medical options for treating ED. Not surprisingly, like so many other cancer patients sexually incapacitated by modern medicine, I was clinically depressed within a few months of starting hormonal therapy. 

This situation began to change when a close lesbian friend, who was aware of my cancer treatments and the sexual dysfunction they had caused, refused to accept my giving up on life. She told me that she uses a strap-on dildo. She claimed that she got genuine sexual satisfaction from this and thought I could too. I was very skeptical. A dildo is not innervated, and I imagined that sex performed with such an appliance would be wholly contrived and not a sensual act at all.

My friend persisted in encouraging me, arguing that sexual satisfaction is as much in the brain as in the groin. It took me more than a year to act on her suggestion. I was embarrassed to go into a sex shop to buy a dildo. I had never used sex toys. I was afraid that I would feel foolish and humiliated by using a strap-on penis. To do so meant facing fully, frontally (so to speak), the functional failure of my own flaccid phallus.

Despite my reservations, I eventually agreed to experiment with a strap-on dildo. My expectations, though, were muted. At most, I thought I might be able to please my partner. But I honestly did not envision recreating a fully satisfying sexual experience. My lesbian friend took the initiative to get me going on this project. She fabricated a harness that was customized to fit me and took me shopping for a dildo, which she insisted I consider “a toy.” I don’t think I could have even walked into the sex shop without her.

I was worried that I might be identified and mocked by someone who knew me. In the store, I debated buying a dildo that looked relatively natural or one that was beyond the realm of real anatomy. I finally selected one that was similar in size, shape, and angle to my erect penis before cancer treatments, to the best of my recollection. It is made of silicone, which makes it durable, appropriately stiff, yet still flexible, like a natural erect penis. Beyond that, the dildo that I bought bears little resemblance to a human penis.

Granted, it has an expanded “head,” like the real glans penis but a uniformly smooth shaft, with none of the irregular surface texture caused by real-life veins. And it is purple! Clearly, it does not constitute a realistic bio-mimetic prosthesis. I knew then that I could not seriously think of this piece of purple plastic as a medical appliance. This was important in my reconceptualizing the situation.

Whatever I was going to do with the dildo was not in any way a “cure” for ED nor was it meant to restore my masculine sense of sexuality. If this was going to work, it was because it was something completely different. I had to stop thinking about this clinically and accept the idea that I was heading into the theater of the absurd, and I was going to play the part of a lesbian!

Before this purchase, I discussed extensively with my partner whether she was willing to have sex with me wearing a strap-on dildo. She was at first hesitant but ultimately supportive of the exploration. We have now used the dildo many times. It caught me by total surprise how natural intercourse felt with this strap-on device. I discovered that my hip movements with the dildo on were the same as during normal intercourse. Our body contact and embrace was full and natural, as well.

The first time that we used the dildo, my partner reached down and held my penis in her hand. She had coated her hand with the same lubricant used to coat the dildo and stimulated my penis in synchrony with my pelvic movements. There was little sensory difference between this act and intercourse—my penis was not in her vagina but it did not know that. It was in a wet, warm place being firmly mechanically stimulated. My hindbrain took over, and I carried the act through to orgasm, to the sexual satisfaction of both my partner and myself. My partner had not discussed with me her plan to hold my glans penis, so I was totally surprised by that action. I had not expected to achieve an orgasm and was astonished that it happened. At first I, thought it was the novelty of her holding my penis that brought me to climax.

I thus feared that being aware, and then self-conscious, of this activity would defeat its effectiveness. This, however, has not been the case. If anything, sexual satisfaction has become easier, because both of us have come to accept the dildo as part of our sex play. Each time we use it, it becomes further imbued with the knowledge of the previous sexual satisfaction it has provided. It is thus now both a normal and at the same time erotic part of our lives.

We have both been able to have orgasms many times using the dildo. The knowledge that it will never become flaccid means that my having an orgasm need not prohibit further penetrative sex. The dildo gives me the sexual capacity to serve my partner more reliably than I might have been able to achieve as a potent male (with or without Viagra). Significantly, my partner claims that she could not previously have an orgasm simply by penile penetration. However, with the dildo, I am able to continue pelvic thrusts long and hard enough that she now regularly achieves orgasm in the missionary position.

We have also used the dildo with me lying on my back and my partner sitting on it, so she has control of the movement. This was sexually pleasurable for her, although I have not achieved an orgasm in this position. When I had a prostate gland, sexual arousal that did not lead to ejaculation was frustrating, and I found it incomprehensible when a woman claimed she had pleasure from sexual stimulation yet had not had an orgasm. After my prostate was removed, I discovered that I too could have incremental pleasure from sexual stimulation and enjoy sex without orgasms. I can also have multiple orgasms! Without a prostate gland, my orgasms are less anatomically focused, radiating across my pelvis. They are of variable intensity but sometimes massively cathartic. When I have multiple orgasms, they are usually 2 or 3 within one minute or 2. I find it easiest to achieve orgasms when my partner wants me to, especially in the context of mutually satisfying dildo intercourse, but far more difficult on my own.

I am fascinated by the eroticism that has developed between my partner, myself, and our dildo. For example, one morning, after having sex the night before, I went to the bathroom and found the dildo sitting upright on the countertop wearing one of my favorite neckties. My partner had decided to personify and personalize it. I interpreted this as a signal to me that the dildo pleased her and did so because of its association with me.

On another occasion, I was waiting for my partner’s arrival and decided to put on the harness and dildo ahead of time. I covered myself and the dildo with a bathrobe, but there was no mistaking the fact that when I looked down there was sticking out what looked like a large firm erection. For a brief instant, it brought back my fear that wearing a dildo would force me to confront in a demoralizing fashion my own failed phallus, my mutilated masculinity.  But that was not at all what I felt. Instead, I felt joyfully empowered.

My thoughts went to a glib one-liner from my lesbian friend: “A dyke with a dildo can outlast a male anytime.” I realized that that was equally true for a prostate cancer patient with a dildo, and I almost started laughing. I was playing a role and doing it better than I ever could before I became impotent. I had acquired a performance capability that surpassed “male” and I was thoroughly enjoying the “play” part of sex. When I reported this experience to my lesbian friend, she suggested that my partner and I explore oral sex with the dildo.

Once again, my first thought was, “That’s absurd.” But since everything else she suggested had worked better than I could have imagined, my partner and I took on the challenge. Simply stated, there has now been enough acceptance of the dildo as a sexual object—and transference from “object” to “organ”—that the visual image of my partner mouthing the dildo was indeed highly erotic in the context of our sex play. On another occasion, in order to tease me, my partner started playing with the dildo in a flirtatious fashion outside of the bedroom. I found the activity erotic and sufficiently distracting that I had to ask her to stop so that I could concentrate on what I was doing.